Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
something I want to think about now that jt is in tfa:
1) is what I'm about to say going to take away a piece of his happiness about this thing? because if so, that's the LAST thing I want to do. and I know that with every roll of my eyes, that's what I'm doing. I'm usually an incredibly happy person, and I'm not okay with that not being so. I want to exude christ's joy in everything that I do, and I want that to be evident in his life, that I am a positive addition and a blessing.
so: when I hear something like, "I just got car insurance" or "I got a computer, but there's no way to install apps," my first thought needs to be, is what I'm saying going to be productive, or is it ruining his happiness? He's an adult, he's being an adult, and I feel... I don't know. I guess I feel like I want to contribute, but I can't, because we aren't doing this jointly. my opinions matter, but not really, because it's his life at the end of the day. I think there's just a lot of worry in me that I'm not doing this right, all the time.
Lord, please. Please give me your grace and wherewithall and ability to hopscotch through difficult situations and make you proud. I know that this is a learning experience, and I'm learning how to love josh. I just need your guidance and teaching to be able to do it. Please help me to take the quiet time I need to learn how you love me, in order to learn how I love josh.
you're wonderful, and such an incredible blessing, father.
1) is what I'm about to say going to take away a piece of his happiness about this thing? because if so, that's the LAST thing I want to do. and I know that with every roll of my eyes, that's what I'm doing. I'm usually an incredibly happy person, and I'm not okay with that not being so. I want to exude christ's joy in everything that I do, and I want that to be evident in his life, that I am a positive addition and a blessing.
so: when I hear something like, "I just got car insurance" or "I got a computer, but there's no way to install apps," my first thought needs to be, is what I'm saying going to be productive, or is it ruining his happiness? He's an adult, he's being an adult, and I feel... I don't know. I guess I feel like I want to contribute, but I can't, because we aren't doing this jointly. my opinions matter, but not really, because it's his life at the end of the day. I think there's just a lot of worry in me that I'm not doing this right, all the time.
Lord, please. Please give me your grace and wherewithall and ability to hopscotch through difficult situations and make you proud. I know that this is a learning experience, and I'm learning how to love josh. I just need your guidance and teaching to be able to do it. Please help me to take the quiet time I need to learn how you love me, in order to learn how I love josh.
you're wonderful, and such an incredible blessing, father.
apellido determinado
"but when I knew him, he was just a little old man who loved to grow roses."
my father has always loved to grow roses.
a skill he learned from his grandfather, he nurtured them
like children, each differently coloured, tempered, but sweet and responsive.
he pruned them daily with a talent I have not inherited,
knowing how and when and where to snip
cutting in a way that, somehow, left the plant more whole.
he tells that when we moved from maine,
he and my mother drove past that little old house a few weeks later
and he was heartbroken to see bushes of roses lying by the side of the road,
ripped up and given for garbage.
"why wouldn't they have offered them to me?" he asked himself for days after.
I wondered what the big deal was, at the insightful age of 11.
They're just plants.
this love for roses is genetic.
while my father idolizes his grandfather, telling stories of his legendary laugh
and long portuguese pipe,
he remembers the sweet little old man,
standing in the yellowing photo with big ears that nearly stick out of the frame,
wrinkles abounding on his forehead,
rose bushes in the background.
why he was allowed to know this man, I will never understand.
as a father, he was cruel, with a portuguese temper to match his apellido
ruling his household with a gefilte fish on christmas
and disciplining with his fists.
he was something to be feared,
a man that battled through asbestosis everyday in underground tunnels
and until his death at 81,
everyone thought he'd been victorious,
never touched.
In fear, my grandfather choose engineering over medicine,
his brother, the army over life in a New Jersey factory.
My great-grandmother, a quarter century younger, defaulted to his wisdom
and worked in a factory, testing lightbulbs on a line, for 8 hours a day.
(Whether her choice was also influenced by fear,
we'll never know).
But when my father was born, this man who inspired fear had mellowed,
softening with age into the sweet little old man in the photo,
a man worthy of his grandson's emulation:
who trapped and released squirrels,
shoveled the snow off of the sidewalk,
and loved to grow roses.
my father has always loved to grow roses.
a skill he learned from his grandfather, he nurtured them
like children, each differently coloured, tempered, but sweet and responsive.
he pruned them daily with a talent I have not inherited,
knowing how and when and where to snip
cutting in a way that, somehow, left the plant more whole.
he tells that when we moved from maine,
he and my mother drove past that little old house a few weeks later
and he was heartbroken to see bushes of roses lying by the side of the road,
ripped up and given for garbage.
"why wouldn't they have offered them to me?" he asked himself for days after.
I wondered what the big deal was, at the insightful age of 11.
They're just plants.
this love for roses is genetic.
while my father idolizes his grandfather, telling stories of his legendary laugh
and long portuguese pipe,
he remembers the sweet little old man,
standing in the yellowing photo with big ears that nearly stick out of the frame,
wrinkles abounding on his forehead,
rose bushes in the background.
why he was allowed to know this man, I will never understand.
as a father, he was cruel, with a portuguese temper to match his apellido
ruling his household with a gefilte fish on christmas
and disciplining with his fists.
he was something to be feared,
a man that battled through asbestosis everyday in underground tunnels
and until his death at 81,
everyone thought he'd been victorious,
never touched.
In fear, my grandfather choose engineering over medicine,
his brother, the army over life in a New Jersey factory.
My great-grandmother, a quarter century younger, defaulted to his wisdom
and worked in a factory, testing lightbulbs on a line, for 8 hours a day.
(Whether her choice was also influenced by fear,
we'll never know).
But when my father was born, this man who inspired fear had mellowed,
softening with age into the sweet little old man in the photo,
a man worthy of his grandson's emulation:
who trapped and released squirrels,
shoveled the snow off of the sidewalk,
and loved to grow roses.
so, this is something that stumps me. Viktor is here, electrical Viktor (not the pastor), and he came to my mother yesterday morning, knocked on the door, and said with his hands raised, "any work, Mrs. Mary?"
He has incredible work-ethic. He's been outside in the hot sun for two days, not even wanting to take a break from trimming trees to eat the cake my mother brought him, and he's not a young guy. He's probably 60 or 65, but he's bee-boppin around outside with the tree trimmer and wanting to make our yard beautiful, because he needs money and isn't afraid to work for it. Why is it that we Americans struggle with the welfare system so much? Our government wants to provide for the people that genuinely need it, like retired old men and women with kids, but we also expect that if you're capable of working, you will, and not everyone does that.
In fact, most people don't do it. Women have more babies so they can get more free money and spend it on their cars or their tvs and not shoes for their 5 kids, and young guys that should be working find a way to get on welfare and knock up chicks so that they don't have to work. that makes no sense to me, and it makes me understand how frustrating it is to deal with welfare, and why people like Carlos, one of our YL leaders, wants to get rid of the welfare system and thinks it's a terrible thing that's happened to black people. No wonder he hates it. It's used in a corrupted way with 90% of the people that use it, and it's frustrating.
And then I watch Viktor, who has lived a long life and might have the chance to retire in a good job, but instead is trimming our trees in a hope to get money for his family. And I respect him for it, quite a lot.
He has incredible work-ethic. He's been outside in the hot sun for two days, not even wanting to take a break from trimming trees to eat the cake my mother brought him, and he's not a young guy. He's probably 60 or 65, but he's bee-boppin around outside with the tree trimmer and wanting to make our yard beautiful, because he needs money and isn't afraid to work for it. Why is it that we Americans struggle with the welfare system so much? Our government wants to provide for the people that genuinely need it, like retired old men and women with kids, but we also expect that if you're capable of working, you will, and not everyone does that.
In fact, most people don't do it. Women have more babies so they can get more free money and spend it on their cars or their tvs and not shoes for their 5 kids, and young guys that should be working find a way to get on welfare and knock up chicks so that they don't have to work. that makes no sense to me, and it makes me understand how frustrating it is to deal with welfare, and why people like Carlos, one of our YL leaders, wants to get rid of the welfare system and thinks it's a terrible thing that's happened to black people. No wonder he hates it. It's used in a corrupted way with 90% of the people that use it, and it's frustrating.
And then I watch Viktor, who has lived a long life and might have the chance to retire in a good job, but instead is trimming our trees in a hope to get money for his family. And I respect him for it, quite a lot.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
because it takes two to whisper quietly.
When I was still in Ecuador, Josh and I had this great conversation about the future, and what it means, and what it holds. To consider stopping using so many "maybes" and "what ifs" and phrases like "I hope my future husband does that." I told him that I'm constantly of two minds, between wanting to get married right now, because everyone else around me seems like they are, and I so love the idea, and fully logically wanting the last two years of college, wanting my roommates and wanting to be slow and rational about things.
I think I'm just trusting that josh is listening to God and that we both have his timeline as a guideline. It's just hard, I think, to watch everyone get married and want that, you know?
I think I'm just trusting that josh is listening to God and that we both have his timeline as a guideline. It's just hard, I think, to watch everyone get married and want that, you know?
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
it's crazy that it's already june. the END of june, no less. I'm in Ecuador, which... has been interesting. I've really loved parts of the experience, and other parts have been really hard. It's been incredibly difficult to be alone. I don't think I've ever really done that before, and it's not something I think I'll be able to do forever. That being said, this has definately been a great summer so far.
I miss josh, though. I guess that's kind of a duh.
I miss josh, though. I guess that's kind of a duh.
Monday, April 20, 2009
today has been incredibly productive. I wrote a young life talk that I really like, but can't use, since we're not having YL until probably the fall. young life is a great ministry for me, I think, but I'm a little concerned that i'm going to have to forfeit my position on IRC. why do we have to meet on mondays? always mondays. it's just a little worrisome. and I love IRC, but... young life is a bigger deal to me, I think. I don't know.
here's the talk. I want to save it and use it sometime. I think it's a good message--that worrying is frivolous, because god's in control.
So, as most of you probably don’t know, last weekend I took the MCAT. The MCAT is basically the medical school’s version of the SAT; it’s really intense and really hard and people study for it for months—I’ve been studying for it since October. Some people pay $2,000 for a class, or hundreds of dollars an hour for a special tutor, all just to hope that they do a little better on the exam, maybe just one or two points, and therefore get into the med school of their dreams.
This past week, I’ve definitely been worrying a lot about the MCAT. It’s kind of become one of my new favourite words. I took heaps of practice tests, read and reread my review books, and basically stressed out about it. Sure, it seems to make sense to be nervous. I mean, this is like the IB final exams, it’s a big deal, and it seems worth it to panic. But is it really?
In 1 Peter 5:6-7, Peter, one of Jesus’s apostles, tells the friends that he’s writing to that it’s okay to cast all their anxiety onto God, because he cares for them. Earlier in the same letter, Peter tells them again that they will definitely go through hard times, but that they should be happy, because for every hard day or problem they have a chance to rely on God and let him change them. Choosing to rely on God during these struggles refines their faith and makes it stronger.
Imagine that you have a really hard math test at the end of the week. You study and study and maybe even ask the teacher for help, but at the end of the night on Thursday, you’re still panicking. You might flunk, and that would be awful for your grades, not to mention how your mom would react. But Peter tells us that situations like this can be perfect for our relationship with God, because they force us to rely on him!
I think it’s easy to read this and think it sounds nice, but have no idea what that means. What does God actually promise us? Jesus has a great story in Matthew 6 where he tells us not to worry about anything: not food, because God feeds the birds, and not clothes, because God makes beautiful clothes for the flowers, or anything else. He’s pretty explicit that we shouldn’t worry, and that probably includes the MCAT.
I think for me, the easiest part to get tripped up on is whether you actually believe that this is true. Does God lie? That’s a good thing to ask yourself, because it’s a pretty integral part of God’s personality, whether or not he lies. Do you believe that what God says in the bible is true? In Genesis, when he created humans, it says that he stepped back and looked at us and said we were very good. Do you think God thinks you’re very good?
God doesn’t lie. I know this to be true. It says in the book of Hebrews that it is impossible for God to lie, and that because of that, we have hope as an anchor for the souls. We can hope in the truth of his promises; that he will take care of us because he has our best interests at heart, and that things will work out, even the MCAT. Because of this, being the only kid who isn’t flipping out before the toughest math test ever, or not stressing the day before IB exams—that makes you different.
Trusting God makes you stand out sometimes, and this is a great way to stand out, to be the only calm person in a whole roomful because you know that things will be okay, because God wants what’s best for you. Peter always reminds me, though, that when you’re that calm person because of trusting in God’s purposes, you should always be prepared to give an answer for the hope that you have.
here's the talk. I want to save it and use it sometime. I think it's a good message--that worrying is frivolous, because god's in control.
So, as most of you probably don’t know, last weekend I took the MCAT. The MCAT is basically the medical school’s version of the SAT; it’s really intense and really hard and people study for it for months—I’ve been studying for it since October. Some people pay $2,000 for a class, or hundreds of dollars an hour for a special tutor, all just to hope that they do a little better on the exam, maybe just one or two points, and therefore get into the med school of their dreams.
This past week, I’ve definitely been worrying a lot about the MCAT. It’s kind of become one of my new favourite words. I took heaps of practice tests, read and reread my review books, and basically stressed out about it. Sure, it seems to make sense to be nervous. I mean, this is like the IB final exams, it’s a big deal, and it seems worth it to panic. But is it really?
In 1 Peter 5:6-7, Peter, one of Jesus’s apostles, tells the friends that he’s writing to that it’s okay to cast all their anxiety onto God, because he cares for them. Earlier in the same letter, Peter tells them again that they will definitely go through hard times, but that they should be happy, because for every hard day or problem they have a chance to rely on God and let him change them. Choosing to rely on God during these struggles refines their faith and makes it stronger.
Imagine that you have a really hard math test at the end of the week. You study and study and maybe even ask the teacher for help, but at the end of the night on Thursday, you’re still panicking. You might flunk, and that would be awful for your grades, not to mention how your mom would react. But Peter tells us that situations like this can be perfect for our relationship with God, because they force us to rely on him!
I think it’s easy to read this and think it sounds nice, but have no idea what that means. What does God actually promise us? Jesus has a great story in Matthew 6 where he tells us not to worry about anything: not food, because God feeds the birds, and not clothes, because God makes beautiful clothes for the flowers, or anything else. He’s pretty explicit that we shouldn’t worry, and that probably includes the MCAT.
I think for me, the easiest part to get tripped up on is whether you actually believe that this is true. Does God lie? That’s a good thing to ask yourself, because it’s a pretty integral part of God’s personality, whether or not he lies. Do you believe that what God says in the bible is true? In Genesis, when he created humans, it says that he stepped back and looked at us and said we were very good. Do you think God thinks you’re very good?
God doesn’t lie. I know this to be true. It says in the book of Hebrews that it is impossible for God to lie, and that because of that, we have hope as an anchor for the souls. We can hope in the truth of his promises; that he will take care of us because he has our best interests at heart, and that things will work out, even the MCAT. Because of this, being the only kid who isn’t flipping out before the toughest math test ever, or not stressing the day before IB exams—that makes you different.
Trusting God makes you stand out sometimes, and this is a great way to stand out, to be the only calm person in a whole roomful because you know that things will be okay, because God wants what’s best for you. Peter always reminds me, though, that when you’re that calm person because of trusting in God’s purposes, you should always be prepared to give an answer for the hope that you have.
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