and of your etcetera.

I haven't been writing enough in this this semester. But here's something I want to work on; an emulation of "my sweet old etcetera." guess what it's about. :-P

you left your etcetera
on my pillow this morning
(nuzzling into it
i felt it
tickle
my nose)
and it woke me up at
8:00 alarm buzz alarm buzz
and i dreamt of
your eyes knees freckles
smile i see behind closed
eyes
but you were
gone when they opened.

soon
when you are here, atl
2
9
5
2
miles from me
donde ellos hablan una lengua
no lo mismo
recuerde:
mismo
is not the language
but still you and i
and the pillow
and the curtains fan sunshine freckles
and your etcetera.

last time I was on here, josh was gone (in vegas). this time, he's gone again (at sharptop). of course, I wish I could go to sharptop this weekend, and was TOTALLY INVITED, so I can't really blame him, now can I?

Ha. well. I have copious amounts of orgo to do if I'm going to be legit at this MCAT thing.

josh is in vegas, and he's only gone for four days, and I miss him. I have so much more respect for Kristin, having been apart from her fiance since august. but I guess, the thing is, she only saw him five times before that. whereas I guess I'm so accustomed to him being here that every time he's gone it's starkly different.

so. I've also done copious amounts of work today and have a ton staring me in the face this week, so it's kind of a good thing that he's gone.

kind of. : )

josh and I plotted out our route for CO, tentatively, and I hung the silly calendar on my bedroom door. it makes me smile everytime I see it, thinking about how awesome may is going to be.

so. that's really exciting. I'm really excited to see how much beauty God's placed in the world that I know nothing about, as well as to see josh for that long. it's a pretty long time. and I'm pumped for sure.

also, young life camp is may 31-june 6. I'm going to have to start raising support soon, but I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to work through that week, especially in my girls. gosh. this is going to be a good semester.

5 more minutes and it's officially the WEEKEND!!!

da BEARS.

I found God on the corner of first and armistad.

I found God in a room covered with flags and full of silly high schoolers.

Gosh. : ) I love young life.

two roads to walk down and one road to choose.

they say that to love is to be fully human.
I don't know if I love you,
which makes me question my humanity.

They say it's a feeling,
like knowing that you want to paint purple into the waterfall,
orange into summer trees,
red into the darkest night sky
without knowing why they belong there.
When I paint, I do so by feeling.
moving my brushes over the indentations that are so important to watercolour paper,
a place to hold the over-zealous painter's mistakes
the expert's genius,
the child's smudges.

sometimes I close my eyes and run my hands over your face,
feeling the braille of your nose
and the heat of your cheeks
and wondering whether you know
how badly my heart wants to leap out of my mouth.

I could fill books with the things I wish I could tell you
but instead, swallow hard, and never do.

I need perspective.
With my feet perched high above me in the concrete tube,
the world makes more sense
and the birds always have something to say to each other.
The flowers whisper back and forth in some sort of purple language
(a colour I'd've painted yellow, if God wanted my opinion).
And I come to realize, purple or yellow, orange or green,
the trees are still beautiful
and there's a beauty in not having the words.

I want to break every clock; the hands of time could never move again.

Josh's roommate Philip proposed to his girlfriend yesterday. Wow. It was already a yesterday. And it's something I've been thinking about. As I was saying today to Laur, it's funny how that both freaks me out and makes me happy. Like, optimistic-happy. Obviously I'm happy for Phil and Erin, because they're great, but it's also something to think about.

Being engaged doesn't freak me out nearly as much as it would've a year ago.

That's just something I've been taking note of. I don't really know what it means, but I was thinking today about what Paul says in 1 Cor 13:13 -- And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I think that each of these things, faith, hope, and love, are integral parts of each other. Love is fully hope and fully faith, in each other, in yourself, in the fact that the relationship will work, in the role of God in helping you hold yourselves together through whatever life throws at you. I don't really understand love, I don't think, but that's because I don't understand God's love for me.

I'm not sure if I'll ever get love. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to see at what point I feel for Josh some semblance of what God feels for me. I like Josh more now than I did six months ago, or two months ago, or two weeks ago. But what does that mean? Anything? I don't know.

I know that I think that love is something you don't end, something that lasts forever. Love is, in itself, a commitment. So it's not something you toss around. But how do you know?

I guess I shouldn't worry about it. But I'm curious. I know we've only been dating for a year. But I guess I wonder. How long will it take to just 'know'? Do you ever just know?