today has been incredibly productive. I wrote a young life talk that I really like, but can't use, since we're not having YL until probably the fall. young life is a great ministry for me, I think, but I'm a little concerned that i'm going to have to forfeit my position on IRC. why do we have to meet on mondays? always mondays. it's just a little worrisome. and I love IRC, but... young life is a bigger deal to me, I think. I don't know.

here's the talk. I want to save it and use it sometime. I think it's a good message--that worrying is frivolous, because god's in control.

So, as most of you probably don’t know, last weekend I took the MCAT. The MCAT is basically the medical school’s version of the SAT; it’s really intense and really hard and people study for it for months—I’ve been studying for it since October. Some people pay $2,000 for a class, or hundreds of dollars an hour for a special tutor, all just to hope that they do a little better on the exam, maybe just one or two points, and therefore get into the med school of their dreams.

This past week, I’ve definitely been worrying a lot about the MCAT. It’s kind of become one of my new favourite words. I took heaps of practice tests, read and reread my review books, and basically stressed out about it. Sure, it seems to make sense to be nervous. I mean, this is like the IB final exams, it’s a big deal, and it seems worth it to panic. But is it really?

In 1 Peter 5:6-7, Peter, one of Jesus’s apostles, tells the friends that he’s writing to that it’s okay to cast all their anxiety onto God, because he cares for them. Earlier in the same letter, Peter tells them again that they will definitely go through hard times, but that they should be happy, because for every hard day or problem they have a chance to rely on God and let him change them. Choosing to rely on God during these struggles refines their faith and makes it stronger.

Imagine that you have a really hard math test at the end of the week. You study and study and maybe even ask the teacher for help, but at the end of the night on Thursday, you’re still panicking. You might flunk, and that would be awful for your grades, not to mention how your mom would react. But Peter tells us that situations like this can be perfect for our relationship with God, because they force us to rely on him!

I think it’s easy to read this and think it sounds nice, but have no idea what that means. What does God actually promise us? Jesus has a great story in Matthew 6 where he tells us not to worry about anything: not food, because God feeds the birds, and not clothes, because God makes beautiful clothes for the flowers, or anything else. He’s pretty explicit that we shouldn’t worry, and that probably includes the MCAT.

I think for me, the easiest part to get tripped up on is whether you actually believe that this is true. Does God lie? That’s a good thing to ask yourself, because it’s a pretty integral part of God’s personality, whether or not he lies. Do you believe that what God says in the bible is true? In Genesis, when he created humans, it says that he stepped back and looked at us and said we were very good. Do you think God thinks you’re very good?

God doesn’t lie. I know this to be true. It says in the book of Hebrews that it is impossible for God to lie, and that because of that, we have hope as an anchor for the souls. We can hope in the truth of his promises; that he will take care of us because he has our best interests at heart, and that things will work out, even the MCAT. Because of this, being the only kid who isn’t flipping out before the toughest math test ever, or not stressing the day before IB exams—that makes you different.

Trusting God makes you stand out sometimes, and this is a great way to stand out, to be the only calm person in a whole roomful because you know that things will be okay, because God wants what’s best for you. Peter always reminds me, though, that when you’re that calm person because of trusting in God’s purposes, you should always be prepared to give an answer for the hope that you have.

neat remark from thomas friedman.

The über-lesson for presidents? You can’t be too honest in describing big problems, too bold in offering big solutions, too humble in dealing with big missteps, too forward in re-telling your story or too gutsy in speaking the previously unspeakable.

soneto I

(If bukowski's right, we're all dead).
nous avons fait l'amour aveugle, mais,
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
because he thinks he did it all,
my clumsiest dear.

And thus have we made the world,
the 16 year old boy, who can’t keep hating himself,
but she said we were a sweet couple, once
and the way you gripped my hand indicated that you felt the same.

Rumi said come, wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving
And Jamie that it’s us against the world every day, being married to your best friend.
(we both know how lucky we are)
(your hair looks best at 730 am when my alarm goes off)

courage in all things, learn to be a woman
(I am a woman and this is where my breasts used to be) get
swept up in electric verse, forgetsocialnorms and you don’t look away.
I like that you have shaped my life.

May the road rise up to meet you,
70-year old woman with blue hair,
(a common recognition of a shared humanity) for whom
time stands still
As if the guards at Buckingham are being changed.

The streetlights are motion sensored, but properly,
a girl passes me on the curb, on her way to a booty call,
and on the precipice, there's no one I'd rather stand beside.

Blaring car horns wake me in the light of a city that is always lit
that intermediate nearly-but-not half light
remembers dusk, remembers evening.
"There are more places you haven't heard of than you've heard of!" and
with more passion at the end, because
these are often the very things
we have in
each other.
-03/19/09

(a collection of lines, one-ish from each poem that I've written since dating josh).

and of your etcetera.

I haven't been writing enough in this this semester. But here's something I want to work on; an emulation of "my sweet old etcetera." guess what it's about. :-P

you left your etcetera
on my pillow this morning
(nuzzling into it
i felt it
tickle
my nose)
and it woke me up at
8:00 alarm buzz alarm buzz
and i dreamt of
your eyes knees freckles
smile i see behind closed
eyes
but you were
gone when they opened.

soon
when you are here, atl
2
9
5
2
miles from me
donde ellos hablan una lengua
no lo mismo
recuerde:
mismo
is not the language
but still you and i
and the pillow
and the curtains fan sunshine freckles
and your etcetera.

last time I was on here, josh was gone (in vegas). this time, he's gone again (at sharptop). of course, I wish I could go to sharptop this weekend, and was TOTALLY INVITED, so I can't really blame him, now can I?

Ha. well. I have copious amounts of orgo to do if I'm going to be legit at this MCAT thing.

josh is in vegas, and he's only gone for four days, and I miss him. I have so much more respect for Kristin, having been apart from her fiance since august. but I guess, the thing is, she only saw him five times before that. whereas I guess I'm so accustomed to him being here that every time he's gone it's starkly different.

so. I've also done copious amounts of work today and have a ton staring me in the face this week, so it's kind of a good thing that he's gone.

kind of. : )

josh and I plotted out our route for CO, tentatively, and I hung the silly calendar on my bedroom door. it makes me smile everytime I see it, thinking about how awesome may is going to be.

so. that's really exciting. I'm really excited to see how much beauty God's placed in the world that I know nothing about, as well as to see josh for that long. it's a pretty long time. and I'm pumped for sure.

also, young life camp is may 31-june 6. I'm going to have to start raising support soon, but I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to work through that week, especially in my girls. gosh. this is going to be a good semester.

5 more minutes and it's officially the WEEKEND!!!

da BEARS.