dear jack,

dear jack,

you don't deserve me, and that frustrates me. especially since you're a generally nice guy. a nice guy with a lot of flaws but who I want to date. even though it's not for the best. because you'd probably pressure me to do stuff, and you swear a lot, and you're really obcessed with soccer and not much else and...

...these are all really superficial reasons. well, not the first one.

I need to stop building people up. it's inherent, I try not to, but I do anyway. because I really do want to believe that you might walk up the library stairs right now, apologize for not wanting to come pick me up, and lift me out of this chair, put your hands on my cheeks and tell me that you don't know what you were thinking, because even if it's only for a while, you don't want to share me. and then kissing me, even in front of this crazy asian kid sitting twenty feet away from me.

but that won't happen. and even imagining it and writing it out makes me feel pathetic. because you aren't coming here. you're probably already asleep.

I need to stop thinking about you.

and I feel like I don't, that much. but I let you a little bit too far into my heart. I mean, you barely made it in, but you broke the surface a little. and I don't know why that is. it's very unlike me. but it's the truth.

I'm an idiot.

it makes me sad that I still care.

and that I'm checking my phone to figure out why you hasn't texted me back in nearly 40 minutes. guess you gave up on the conversation.

bah.

rylee says you need to "get your shit together," and that you do want to date me, you just don't have "your shit figured out." maybe she's right. or maybe she's doing what Cher does in Clueless to that other girl that Britany Murphy plays. The sad, pathetic girl that goes, "if I'm too good for him, then way ain't I WITH him?". That's me.

You've never seen this side of me. That's for the best. I can hang on to that.

But I still hope a little bit that you'll come walking up the library stairs.

love em

genesis 31:49

"he's weeping because he knows she's the one. I love that."

marissa's right. como hermoso.

hands are distant lullabies.

I am sick. I might have strep, I don't really know. I'll find out at the doctor's tomorrow or tuesday.

And all I want to do right now is cuddle with someone up in my bed and watch the office, which I'm streaming offline, and have them play with my hair and let me drift off.

Uuuuugh. I'm really glad I didn't call Jack. I'm not quite sick enough. But I'm borderline.

But we're still friends. And he took me out to lunch today with his parents. So maybe the message wasn't quite clear enough?

here is our God who's come to bring us back to Him

"just to know that you are near is enough
God of heaven, come down"

pffffffffffft. That's what I have to say.

ended whatever it was with jack tonight. riikka, who I think is going to be my new accountability partner, thinks it's right, too, but it's just so hard. but I feel like I was called to do it, so it should be all right, you know? I know, anyway.

And we talked about religion tonight. And how I don't think that God isn't real if he doesn't think so. That his not believing in my God doesn't mean my God is any less universal. And I love that about God, so it was neat to hear myself saying it outloud. Even if he didn't get it.

At least he knows that my faith is important to me. And that I'm not okay with being "friends with benefits," aka "that girl that I can call and make out with." That I'm either your girlfriend, or nothing, and that being your girlfriend means rules. Which you don't like. Because you don't do rules. But that's all right, you know? Because I do rules. And I set the pace.

And I want to find a guy that makes me not have to worry about all of this.

Please, God. Please send someone my way who's adventurous and funny and sweet and kind and respectable and spontaneous and cute and who, if I try to make a move, will hold my wrists, look me in the eye, and tell me that that's not what I'm supposed to do. And to not get ahead of myself. At least every once in a while.

I'm kind of lonely. And it's been an hour.

Ugh. Bedtime.

school is crazy. like, really crazy-busy and hard. but the thing is, I really like it.

I need help realizing that God will get me through, even if I fail the exam. I need to be as grateful for his love and understanding and infinite grace when I don't have faith in myself just as much as when I do.

I did well on a bio quiz yesterday, and I thank God for that. If I hadn't done well, though, I'd still be thankful for that, too.

lead me, God. Please.

I cried watching this. It's beautiful.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Talk about putting my pain in the offering, Lord.

So I'm a little bit falling for this boy. One of those boys that I said I wouldn't date any more. Not Christian, basically.

But he's sweet. And respectful. And stuff like that. Which is all good. And... I mean, I'm not going to marry the kid.

And he plays soccer. For Emory, that is--meaning he's actually really good. And he likes me, which is really kind of big.

I feel like I'll have a lot more intelligible things to say about this post nap.