I feel like moving to the rhythm of your grace

tonight I sat outside with God and just talked. We have a lot of conversations like that, and I love it. It's like, very stream of consciousness, and he kind of inserts answers by having me talk around something a lot of times. And it's beautiful. Or, it is to me, anyway.

I love that no one answered their phones because we needed to have this time.

So, basically, I realized that whatever grade I get in organic chemistry doesn't matter in the way I think it does. Because the thing is, God's kept this passion alive in my heart about my future and made it an unreconcileable reality to me. Which means that he's going to get me into med school, because I honestly believe that's his will, and he's going to do it with an A- or a B. Because God is a heck of a lot of a bigger deal than silly grades. So I need to stop beating myself up about tomorrow, and not go into the room seconds away from throwing up, but rather, recognize how wonderful he is to me, and go up to the folder with a smile and a song and the knowledge that I did my best and he's holding my hand.

I can do this, you know. I really can. Even if it means not being as good of a student as I was in high school. I'm trying just as hard. And if I'm not in Phi Eta Sigma, or whatever, that's fine. Because I'm going to get where I need to be and God's going to show me how to get there.

I've also been thinking a lot about Josh and my relationship. I feel like it really deepened a lot sunday night, after church, when we went out onto the benches to pray. I do need to go to Jordan. I realize that now. It terrifies me, but it's true.

I just sent the email to jeff, the guy from church organizing it, and told him that I'm going. I'm getting over my fears of inadequacy and just going. Abandon and all. Recklessly.

But back to Josh. I told him part of it, but basically, he talks about joining the peace corps before grad school for two years, and it scares me just because I realize that I could still be committed to this then. Very possibly. And he graduates in basically a year. Which is... not a lot of time.

But you know what I realized tonight? I realized that if this is God's plan for Josh, and part of that plan is me staying in his life, it's going to be an incredible ride for both of us, but it'll happen. Right now, I feel his hand really, really strongly in this relationship, and I love feeling like I'm growing closer to Josh and together we're growing closer to God. It's beautiful, and it's doable, and it's what I have and want, right now. In terms of what'll happen if he joins the peace corps, well, that's for the future to worry about. When it gets here, if it's right, it'll happen.

I'm starting to believe that about my future, too. That there are ways to get it to work out, and that when I graduate from med school and finish my residency, I'm going to pack up and go and if I'm with someone and they're right for it, they'll come with me. It's a give and take, yes, and this is a calling, and there's a way to reconcile the two.

Hope is the confident expectation of a coming good, and an anchor for our souls.

Thank heavens for that.