honey, I will stitch you.

so, I stayed up late thinking about this. especially what Josh said about love, and God being our ultimate lover whose goals for us are just that we'd figure out his love and apply it to the world, ourselves, and our relationship with him.

yesterday, chris asked me what I'm most afraid of. I don't really have any phobias or silly things, so I couldn't really come up with one. Then he switched it to what I most want for my life. I named a few things off my list, but couldn't come up with one that was the ultimate goal. I felt kind of lame.

Now I know. I think that what I most want and what I most fear are the same thing: loving completely: god, the world, and someone else. I've been praying about it since then, since it's kind of a crazy thing, to be scared to love God completely, but there's a lot that goes along with it--being completely committed to what he wants for my life. which, of course, is what, at the core, I want for my life. and I know that I am his, but how completely? how fearless is my love? and ditto that about the world--loving the world completely means allowing it to pull you out of your comfortable life. And as for another person, that's just as scary as the other two--I'm not sure if there's anything more vulnerable and raw, because the thing is, God we know will return our love, 100%. Other people, there's always the risk of rejection, and then the question of, "so, what does this mean?" if you actually do love each other. it's risky.

but, the funny thing is, I want all of these. More than anything else in my life, I want to be fearless in my love. I want to be fully God's, fully the world's, and fully someone else's.

So, my biggest goal in my life is my biggest fear. But I feel like the fear is a conquerable one. I think I work at it everyday, making it less scary. And I think that, while I am God's, I can always love more, committ more, gape in awe more. Because the thing is, so can he.

Umm. Geeze. I've been thinking about that a lot. It's kind of a crazy idea, and I love that I have a definitive answer now.