when my mother told me you were dying

when my mother told me you were dying
I put on my nikes
and ran 1.8 [years backward] miles before
vomiting on the side of the road.

I think now about the length of those
1.8 years (the difference
between me and you)
and remember kisses, fights, bike rides,
nights spent in Spain debajo el cielo estrellado,
blisters on the heels of my feet.

I remember a succession of boys,
thin, round, tall, short, cocky, embarrassed,
sweet and angry alike,
and most notably
the 1.8 years of choosing between them.

I remember deaths, births, let-downs, surprises,
getting the flu.

So now, hours later,
I sit here smelling
of cigarettes and maturity,
arrogance and bullshit,
subtlties and smiles,
just as I did when I was [cute and] sixteen.

So now I wonder -- am I
caught in the whirlwind
with you?
--17 may 07
--for david.

there's a trimspa commercial on tv.

I don't like to think of myself as naive. I think that, in truth, few of us do, as it's a weakness that can often lead us into trouble in the wrong situations. For me, at least, I know that I've always tried so hard to seem "mature for my age," just because I've always been so much younger than everyone else.

This week, though, I've really had to confront my naivete of the world, but most specifically, of people. With the backlash of this article, I've been dealing with constant comments from everyone, some good (mostly out-of-school people) and some bad (mostly in-school people). To be frank, I'm sick and tired of talking about it, esp. considering that I'll have to confront it again tomorrow when this girl's letter to the editor runs in the Times. (This girl's one of the drinkers, too. Ugh. I can't help it; I'm just sick of listening to the moaning and groaning about it). People don't like to be reprimanded. I know this, I learned it firsthand in elementary school. But it's just a bit hard to deal with all of the fall out, even though I pretend like it's fine. No one really likes to be hated all the time.

But, naivete. I guess I went into this whole thing (the decision to publish the article in the paper) feeling like I had the backing of a bunch of teachers. Now, I wonder, whom did I offend? And what about those who supported me only out of hatred for gornall, rather than real belief in what I was saying? Not to mention everyone who SHOULD care about my article (Mssrs. Viera, Cook, Suppa, and Dr. Gorn) who refuse to out of desire for political advancement?

My mother says that I should have thought of some of this before hand. That I should have considered the ulterior motives of the people who supported me and the people that I thought I was reaching, and then chosen whether to publish based on that. I didn't, however, because I don't read people like that. I don't assume them to be bad, or to be scheming for or against me based on how they can best help themselves.

I didn't expect that one of my friends would agree with my article, talk to her boyfriend, and completely change her opinion and flip out on me and everyone and really shake the friendships to their core. I didn't expect that kids would put up posters of me in the hallways, or that some teachers would print out copies of my article and mock them with their classes. I just didn't expect this.

This week has been really hectic, and because of all of this stress, aps, and finals, I've really taken my eyes off of God and kept them here. Straight and narrow vision. It's not good, and I know that if I can just take a step back and breathe, it'll be doable.

Do you ever feel like stress is keeping you away from God? Like, if I wasn't running every morning at 5am, I wouldn't be so wiped at 10:30, and I wouldn't be too tired to read something, to get inspired, to get closer to God.

I've even been neglecting the music ministry small ground discussion group. uuugh.

I don't want to wait for all of this to end to reconnect, Lord. I want to feel like I did a month ago. I need help.

It's only after admitting that we have a problem that we can begin to conquer it, right?