I wrote this to josh. but I'm sick of being a whiner and am not sending it.

I'm a little bit of a disaster right now. And I don't know if there's really anything you can do about it, but I'm really frustrated, and it's silly, because my day was so great. But I've been doing three physics problems for over two hours and I still have one more to go and I hate having to call laurie to ask for help because I should be able to do this.

I don't think I should send this email.

I'm going to extrapolate, then.

It's so unfair that she never has to pay attention in class and I always do and I STILL CAN'T DO THE FREAKING PROBLEMS.

I know life isn't fair.

I'm relatively close to tears over such silly stuff.

things I want to purchase / obtain in the somewhat near future:
1) aunt jamie's chairs (for next year)
2) a double wide sleeping bag
3) a climbing pack (christmas?)

a half hour ago, I was in no state to begin doing work. I mean, I was going to, but I was frustrated about it, and how it's a saturday night, and how I miss josh, and blah blah blah. and I realized while I was wasting time online, that I really wanted to go pray.

So I did. I climbed around outside and found a spot (that wasn't very good, true) but that let me sit in the half-light dark and just pray. And I realized as I prayed around it, that what I'm lacking right now is security. I feel insecure in my relationship with josh too often to actually make sense, because it's something that's beautiful and peace-bringing and full of light. And I catch myself apologizing too much, or realizing that I'm being self conscious about something that's stupid, or doing something and second guessing myself. And that's silly, because I know that josh thinks the world of me. So why do I worry? And it's almost identical with my roommates, me worrying that they're upset with me or just frustrated or me bottling up frustration about stupid cleaning-y things. And with my future. The same insecurity, the same worry, the same self-doubt.

And I realized, while praying, what's lacking in my life is peace. The peace that surpasses all understanding. God's peace. It's what I find so infectious about emily. And I was like, well, what does emily do that I don't do? And she prays more, and spends more time reading the bible. And that makes her relationship with God stronger, deeper, etc.

So, why not just do that?

So. abandon. Complete abandon. I prayed for god to pull me off a dock into rough water and not let go of my hand and see if I can make it. Abandon in my activities, relationships, future, young life, everything. Just trust and abandon, because if I can be secure in christ, I can be secure in my relationships and my decisions and my life.

So. I walked back floating. And knowing God was smiling. And it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.