If I find in myself
desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude
that I, I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best
only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude
when to where I'm destined I'm compared
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout
of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me
is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth
of who I was born to become
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath,
so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live
I was made to love
I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming for me
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
For me, for me, for me
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
I'm ready for a change. something big. something drastic. I'm ready to be shaken off my feet by god, to be pushed to a new limit of comfort and honesty with josh, to be questioned on what I know and what I'm prepared to give, to follow and grow and change. I'm ready to be real. I'm ready for adventure, for the kind of adventure that breaks you and puts you back together, that meets people, takes people, molds people in its way. I'm ready to recklessly love, to stretch young life relationships and muslim relationships to the breaking point with the recognition that I have lots to lose and they have the world to gain. I'm ready to run that goes more miles than I knew I could, to breathe harder and faster than I thought was possible, to fly. I'm ready to read something in the bible that makes me fall to the floor in worship--giving thanks for all things, all times, always--and to be forever changed by it. I'm ready for this year.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
something I want to think about now that jt is in tfa:
1) is what I'm about to say going to take away a piece of his happiness about this thing? because if so, that's the LAST thing I want to do. and I know that with every roll of my eyes, that's what I'm doing. I'm usually an incredibly happy person, and I'm not okay with that not being so. I want to exude christ's joy in everything that I do, and I want that to be evident in his life, that I am a positive addition and a blessing.
so: when I hear something like, "I just got car insurance" or "I got a computer, but there's no way to install apps," my first thought needs to be, is what I'm saying going to be productive, or is it ruining his happiness? He's an adult, he's being an adult, and I feel... I don't know. I guess I feel like I want to contribute, but I can't, because we aren't doing this jointly. my opinions matter, but not really, because it's his life at the end of the day. I think there's just a lot of worry in me that I'm not doing this right, all the time.
Lord, please. Please give me your grace and wherewithall and ability to hopscotch through difficult situations and make you proud. I know that this is a learning experience, and I'm learning how to love josh. I just need your guidance and teaching to be able to do it. Please help me to take the quiet time I need to learn how you love me, in order to learn how I love josh.
you're wonderful, and such an incredible blessing, father.
1) is what I'm about to say going to take away a piece of his happiness about this thing? because if so, that's the LAST thing I want to do. and I know that with every roll of my eyes, that's what I'm doing. I'm usually an incredibly happy person, and I'm not okay with that not being so. I want to exude christ's joy in everything that I do, and I want that to be evident in his life, that I am a positive addition and a blessing.
so: when I hear something like, "I just got car insurance" or "I got a computer, but there's no way to install apps," my first thought needs to be, is what I'm saying going to be productive, or is it ruining his happiness? He's an adult, he's being an adult, and I feel... I don't know. I guess I feel like I want to contribute, but I can't, because we aren't doing this jointly. my opinions matter, but not really, because it's his life at the end of the day. I think there's just a lot of worry in me that I'm not doing this right, all the time.
Lord, please. Please give me your grace and wherewithall and ability to hopscotch through difficult situations and make you proud. I know that this is a learning experience, and I'm learning how to love josh. I just need your guidance and teaching to be able to do it. Please help me to take the quiet time I need to learn how you love me, in order to learn how I love josh.
you're wonderful, and such an incredible blessing, father.
apellido determinado
"but when I knew him, he was just a little old man who loved to grow roses."
my father has always loved to grow roses.
a skill he learned from his grandfather, he nurtured them
like children, each differently coloured, tempered, but sweet and responsive.
he pruned them daily with a talent I have not inherited,
knowing how and when and where to snip
cutting in a way that, somehow, left the plant more whole.
he tells that when we moved from maine,
he and my mother drove past that little old house a few weeks later
and he was heartbroken to see bushes of roses lying by the side of the road,
ripped up and given for garbage.
"why wouldn't they have offered them to me?" he asked himself for days after.
I wondered what the big deal was, at the insightful age of 11.
They're just plants.
this love for roses is genetic.
while my father idolizes his grandfather, telling stories of his legendary laugh
and long portuguese pipe,
he remembers the sweet little old man,
standing in the yellowing photo with big ears that nearly stick out of the frame,
wrinkles abounding on his forehead,
rose bushes in the background.
why he was allowed to know this man, I will never understand.
as a father, he was cruel, with a portuguese temper to match his apellido
ruling his household with a gefilte fish on christmas
and disciplining with his fists.
he was something to be feared,
a man that battled through asbestosis everyday in underground tunnels
and until his death at 81,
everyone thought he'd been victorious,
never touched.
In fear, my grandfather choose engineering over medicine,
his brother, the army over life in a New Jersey factory.
My great-grandmother, a quarter century younger, defaulted to his wisdom
and worked in a factory, testing lightbulbs on a line, for 8 hours a day.
(Whether her choice was also influenced by fear,
we'll never know).
But when my father was born, this man who inspired fear had mellowed,
softening with age into the sweet little old man in the photo,
a man worthy of his grandson's emulation:
who trapped and released squirrels,
shoveled the snow off of the sidewalk,
and loved to grow roses.
my father has always loved to grow roses.
a skill he learned from his grandfather, he nurtured them
like children, each differently coloured, tempered, but sweet and responsive.
he pruned them daily with a talent I have not inherited,
knowing how and when and where to snip
cutting in a way that, somehow, left the plant more whole.
he tells that when we moved from maine,
he and my mother drove past that little old house a few weeks later
and he was heartbroken to see bushes of roses lying by the side of the road,
ripped up and given for garbage.
"why wouldn't they have offered them to me?" he asked himself for days after.
I wondered what the big deal was, at the insightful age of 11.
They're just plants.
this love for roses is genetic.
while my father idolizes his grandfather, telling stories of his legendary laugh
and long portuguese pipe,
he remembers the sweet little old man,
standing in the yellowing photo with big ears that nearly stick out of the frame,
wrinkles abounding on his forehead,
rose bushes in the background.
why he was allowed to know this man, I will never understand.
as a father, he was cruel, with a portuguese temper to match his apellido
ruling his household with a gefilte fish on christmas
and disciplining with his fists.
he was something to be feared,
a man that battled through asbestosis everyday in underground tunnels
and until his death at 81,
everyone thought he'd been victorious,
never touched.
In fear, my grandfather choose engineering over medicine,
his brother, the army over life in a New Jersey factory.
My great-grandmother, a quarter century younger, defaulted to his wisdom
and worked in a factory, testing lightbulbs on a line, for 8 hours a day.
(Whether her choice was also influenced by fear,
we'll never know).
But when my father was born, this man who inspired fear had mellowed,
softening with age into the sweet little old man in the photo,
a man worthy of his grandson's emulation:
who trapped and released squirrels,
shoveled the snow off of the sidewalk,
and loved to grow roses.
so, this is something that stumps me. Viktor is here, electrical Viktor (not the pastor), and he came to my mother yesterday morning, knocked on the door, and said with his hands raised, "any work, Mrs. Mary?"
He has incredible work-ethic. He's been outside in the hot sun for two days, not even wanting to take a break from trimming trees to eat the cake my mother brought him, and he's not a young guy. He's probably 60 or 65, but he's bee-boppin around outside with the tree trimmer and wanting to make our yard beautiful, because he needs money and isn't afraid to work for it. Why is it that we Americans struggle with the welfare system so much? Our government wants to provide for the people that genuinely need it, like retired old men and women with kids, but we also expect that if you're capable of working, you will, and not everyone does that.
In fact, most people don't do it. Women have more babies so they can get more free money and spend it on their cars or their tvs and not shoes for their 5 kids, and young guys that should be working find a way to get on welfare and knock up chicks so that they don't have to work. that makes no sense to me, and it makes me understand how frustrating it is to deal with welfare, and why people like Carlos, one of our YL leaders, wants to get rid of the welfare system and thinks it's a terrible thing that's happened to black people. No wonder he hates it. It's used in a corrupted way with 90% of the people that use it, and it's frustrating.
And then I watch Viktor, who has lived a long life and might have the chance to retire in a good job, but instead is trimming our trees in a hope to get money for his family. And I respect him for it, quite a lot.
He has incredible work-ethic. He's been outside in the hot sun for two days, not even wanting to take a break from trimming trees to eat the cake my mother brought him, and he's not a young guy. He's probably 60 or 65, but he's bee-boppin around outside with the tree trimmer and wanting to make our yard beautiful, because he needs money and isn't afraid to work for it. Why is it that we Americans struggle with the welfare system so much? Our government wants to provide for the people that genuinely need it, like retired old men and women with kids, but we also expect that if you're capable of working, you will, and not everyone does that.
In fact, most people don't do it. Women have more babies so they can get more free money and spend it on their cars or their tvs and not shoes for their 5 kids, and young guys that should be working find a way to get on welfare and knock up chicks so that they don't have to work. that makes no sense to me, and it makes me understand how frustrating it is to deal with welfare, and why people like Carlos, one of our YL leaders, wants to get rid of the welfare system and thinks it's a terrible thing that's happened to black people. No wonder he hates it. It's used in a corrupted way with 90% of the people that use it, and it's frustrating.
And then I watch Viktor, who has lived a long life and might have the chance to retire in a good job, but instead is trimming our trees in a hope to get money for his family. And I respect him for it, quite a lot.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
because it takes two to whisper quietly.
When I was still in Ecuador, Josh and I had this great conversation about the future, and what it means, and what it holds. To consider stopping using so many "maybes" and "what ifs" and phrases like "I hope my future husband does that." I told him that I'm constantly of two minds, between wanting to get married right now, because everyone else around me seems like they are, and I so love the idea, and fully logically wanting the last two years of college, wanting my roommates and wanting to be slow and rational about things.
I think I'm just trusting that josh is listening to God and that we both have his timeline as a guideline. It's just hard, I think, to watch everyone get married and want that, you know?
I think I'm just trusting that josh is listening to God and that we both have his timeline as a guideline. It's just hard, I think, to watch everyone get married and want that, you know?
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
it's crazy that it's already june. the END of june, no less. I'm in Ecuador, which... has been interesting. I've really loved parts of the experience, and other parts have been really hard. It's been incredibly difficult to be alone. I don't think I've ever really done that before, and it's not something I think I'll be able to do forever. That being said, this has definately been a great summer so far.
I miss josh, though. I guess that's kind of a duh.
I miss josh, though. I guess that's kind of a duh.
Monday, April 20, 2009
today has been incredibly productive. I wrote a young life talk that I really like, but can't use, since we're not having YL until probably the fall. young life is a great ministry for me, I think, but I'm a little concerned that i'm going to have to forfeit my position on IRC. why do we have to meet on mondays? always mondays. it's just a little worrisome. and I love IRC, but... young life is a bigger deal to me, I think. I don't know.
here's the talk. I want to save it and use it sometime. I think it's a good message--that worrying is frivolous, because god's in control.
So, as most of you probably don’t know, last weekend I took the MCAT. The MCAT is basically the medical school’s version of the SAT; it’s really intense and really hard and people study for it for months—I’ve been studying for it since October. Some people pay $2,000 for a class, or hundreds of dollars an hour for a special tutor, all just to hope that they do a little better on the exam, maybe just one or two points, and therefore get into the med school of their dreams.
This past week, I’ve definitely been worrying a lot about the MCAT. It’s kind of become one of my new favourite words. I took heaps of practice tests, read and reread my review books, and basically stressed out about it. Sure, it seems to make sense to be nervous. I mean, this is like the IB final exams, it’s a big deal, and it seems worth it to panic. But is it really?
In 1 Peter 5:6-7, Peter, one of Jesus’s apostles, tells the friends that he’s writing to that it’s okay to cast all their anxiety onto God, because he cares for them. Earlier in the same letter, Peter tells them again that they will definitely go through hard times, but that they should be happy, because for every hard day or problem they have a chance to rely on God and let him change them. Choosing to rely on God during these struggles refines their faith and makes it stronger.
Imagine that you have a really hard math test at the end of the week. You study and study and maybe even ask the teacher for help, but at the end of the night on Thursday, you’re still panicking. You might flunk, and that would be awful for your grades, not to mention how your mom would react. But Peter tells us that situations like this can be perfect for our relationship with God, because they force us to rely on him!
I think it’s easy to read this and think it sounds nice, but have no idea what that means. What does God actually promise us? Jesus has a great story in Matthew 6 where he tells us not to worry about anything: not food, because God feeds the birds, and not clothes, because God makes beautiful clothes for the flowers, or anything else. He’s pretty explicit that we shouldn’t worry, and that probably includes the MCAT.
I think for me, the easiest part to get tripped up on is whether you actually believe that this is true. Does God lie? That’s a good thing to ask yourself, because it’s a pretty integral part of God’s personality, whether or not he lies. Do you believe that what God says in the bible is true? In Genesis, when he created humans, it says that he stepped back and looked at us and said we were very good. Do you think God thinks you’re very good?
God doesn’t lie. I know this to be true. It says in the book of Hebrews that it is impossible for God to lie, and that because of that, we have hope as an anchor for the souls. We can hope in the truth of his promises; that he will take care of us because he has our best interests at heart, and that things will work out, even the MCAT. Because of this, being the only kid who isn’t flipping out before the toughest math test ever, or not stressing the day before IB exams—that makes you different.
Trusting God makes you stand out sometimes, and this is a great way to stand out, to be the only calm person in a whole roomful because you know that things will be okay, because God wants what’s best for you. Peter always reminds me, though, that when you’re that calm person because of trusting in God’s purposes, you should always be prepared to give an answer for the hope that you have.
here's the talk. I want to save it and use it sometime. I think it's a good message--that worrying is frivolous, because god's in control.
So, as most of you probably don’t know, last weekend I took the MCAT. The MCAT is basically the medical school’s version of the SAT; it’s really intense and really hard and people study for it for months—I’ve been studying for it since October. Some people pay $2,000 for a class, or hundreds of dollars an hour for a special tutor, all just to hope that they do a little better on the exam, maybe just one or two points, and therefore get into the med school of their dreams.
This past week, I’ve definitely been worrying a lot about the MCAT. It’s kind of become one of my new favourite words. I took heaps of practice tests, read and reread my review books, and basically stressed out about it. Sure, it seems to make sense to be nervous. I mean, this is like the IB final exams, it’s a big deal, and it seems worth it to panic. But is it really?
In 1 Peter 5:6-7, Peter, one of Jesus’s apostles, tells the friends that he’s writing to that it’s okay to cast all their anxiety onto God, because he cares for them. Earlier in the same letter, Peter tells them again that they will definitely go through hard times, but that they should be happy, because for every hard day or problem they have a chance to rely on God and let him change them. Choosing to rely on God during these struggles refines their faith and makes it stronger.
Imagine that you have a really hard math test at the end of the week. You study and study and maybe even ask the teacher for help, but at the end of the night on Thursday, you’re still panicking. You might flunk, and that would be awful for your grades, not to mention how your mom would react. But Peter tells us that situations like this can be perfect for our relationship with God, because they force us to rely on him!
I think it’s easy to read this and think it sounds nice, but have no idea what that means. What does God actually promise us? Jesus has a great story in Matthew 6 where he tells us not to worry about anything: not food, because God feeds the birds, and not clothes, because God makes beautiful clothes for the flowers, or anything else. He’s pretty explicit that we shouldn’t worry, and that probably includes the MCAT.
I think for me, the easiest part to get tripped up on is whether you actually believe that this is true. Does God lie? That’s a good thing to ask yourself, because it’s a pretty integral part of God’s personality, whether or not he lies. Do you believe that what God says in the bible is true? In Genesis, when he created humans, it says that he stepped back and looked at us and said we were very good. Do you think God thinks you’re very good?
God doesn’t lie. I know this to be true. It says in the book of Hebrews that it is impossible for God to lie, and that because of that, we have hope as an anchor for the souls. We can hope in the truth of his promises; that he will take care of us because he has our best interests at heart, and that things will work out, even the MCAT. Because of this, being the only kid who isn’t flipping out before the toughest math test ever, or not stressing the day before IB exams—that makes you different.
Trusting God makes you stand out sometimes, and this is a great way to stand out, to be the only calm person in a whole roomful because you know that things will be okay, because God wants what’s best for you. Peter always reminds me, though, that when you’re that calm person because of trusting in God’s purposes, you should always be prepared to give an answer for the hope that you have.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
neat remark from thomas friedman.
The über-lesson for presidents? You can’t be too honest in describing big problems, too bold in offering big solutions, too humble in dealing with big missteps, too forward in re-telling your story or too gutsy in speaking the previously unspeakable.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
soneto I
(If bukowski's right, we're all dead).
nous avons fait l'amour aveugle, mais,
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
because he thinks he did it all,
my clumsiest dear.
And thus have we made the world,
the 16 year old boy, who can’t keep hating himself,
but she said we were a sweet couple, once
and the way you gripped my hand indicated that you felt the same.
Rumi said come, wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving
And Jamie that it’s us against the world every day, being married to your best friend.
(we both know how lucky we are)
(your hair looks best at 730 am when my alarm goes off)
courage in all things, learn to be a woman
(I am a woman and this is where my breasts used to be) get
swept up in electric verse, forgetsocialnorms and you don’t look away.
I like that you have shaped my life.
May the road rise up to meet you,
70-year old woman with blue hair,
(a common recognition of a shared humanity) for whom
time stands still
As if the guards at Buckingham are being changed.
The streetlights are motion sensored, but properly,
a girl passes me on the curb, on her way to a booty call,
and on the precipice, there's no one I'd rather stand beside.
Blaring car horns wake me in the light of a city that is always lit
that intermediate nearly-but-not half light
remembers dusk, remembers evening.
"There are more places you haven't heard of than you've heard of!" and
with more passion at the end, because
these are often the very things
we have in
each other.
-03/19/09
(a collection of lines, one-ish from each poem that I've written since dating josh).
nous avons fait l'amour aveugle, mais,
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
because he thinks he did it all,
my clumsiest dear.
And thus have we made the world,
the 16 year old boy, who can’t keep hating himself,
but she said we were a sweet couple, once
and the way you gripped my hand indicated that you felt the same.
Rumi said come, wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving
And Jamie that it’s us against the world every day, being married to your best friend.
(we both know how lucky we are)
(your hair looks best at 730 am when my alarm goes off)
courage in all things, learn to be a woman
(I am a woman and this is where my breasts used to be) get
swept up in electric verse, forgetsocialnorms and you don’t look away.
I like that you have shaped my life.
May the road rise up to meet you,
70-year old woman with blue hair,
(a common recognition of a shared humanity) for whom
time stands still
As if the guards at Buckingham are being changed.
The streetlights are motion sensored, but properly,
a girl passes me on the curb, on her way to a booty call,
and on the precipice, there's no one I'd rather stand beside.
Blaring car horns wake me in the light of a city that is always lit
that intermediate nearly-but-not half light
remembers dusk, remembers evening.
"There are more places you haven't heard of than you've heard of!" and
with more passion at the end, because
these are often the very things
we have in
each other.
-03/19/09
(a collection of lines, one-ish from each poem that I've written since dating josh).
Thursday, February 12, 2009
and of your etcetera.
I haven't been writing enough in this this semester. But here's something I want to work on; an emulation of "my sweet old etcetera." guess what it's about. :-P
you left your etcetera
on my pillow this morning
(nuzzling into it
i felt it
tickle
my nose)
and it woke me up at
8:00 alarm buzz alarm buzz
and i dreamt of
your eyes knees freckles
smile i see behind closed
eyes
but you were
gone when they opened.
soon
when you are here, atl
2
9
5
2
miles from me
donde ellos hablan una lengua
no lo mismo
recuerde:
mismo
is not the language
but still you and i
and the pillow
and the curtains fan sunshine freckles
and your etcetera.
you left your etcetera
on my pillow this morning
(nuzzling into it
i felt it
tickle
my nose)
and it woke me up at
8:00 alarm buzz alarm buzz
and i dreamt of
your eyes knees freckles
smile i see behind closed
eyes
but you were
gone when they opened.
soon
when you are here, atl
2
9
5
2
miles from me
donde ellos hablan una lengua
no lo mismo
recuerde:
mismo
is not the language
but still you and i
and the pillow
and the curtains fan sunshine freckles
and your etcetera.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
last time I was on here, josh was gone (in vegas). this time, he's gone again (at sharptop). of course, I wish I could go to sharptop this weekend, and was TOTALLY INVITED, so I can't really blame him, now can I?
Ha. well. I have copious amounts of orgo to do if I'm going to be legit at this MCAT thing.
Ha. well. I have copious amounts of orgo to do if I'm going to be legit at this MCAT thing.
Monday, January 19, 2009
josh is in vegas, and he's only gone for four days, and I miss him. I have so much more respect for Kristin, having been apart from her fiance since august. but I guess, the thing is, she only saw him five times before that. whereas I guess I'm so accustomed to him being here that every time he's gone it's starkly different.
so. I've also done copious amounts of work today and have a ton staring me in the face this week, so it's kind of a good thing that he's gone.
kind of. : )
so. I've also done copious amounts of work today and have a ton staring me in the face this week, so it's kind of a good thing that he's gone.
kind of. : )
Friday, January 16, 2009
josh and I plotted out our route for CO, tentatively, and I hung the silly calendar on my bedroom door. it makes me smile everytime I see it, thinking about how awesome may is going to be.
so. that's really exciting. I'm really excited to see how much beauty God's placed in the world that I know nothing about, as well as to see josh for that long. it's a pretty long time. and I'm pumped for sure.
also, young life camp is may 31-june 6. I'm going to have to start raising support soon, but I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to work through that week, especially in my girls. gosh. this is going to be a good semester.
5 more minutes and it's officially the WEEKEND!!!
da BEARS.
so. that's really exciting. I'm really excited to see how much beauty God's placed in the world that I know nothing about, as well as to see josh for that long. it's a pretty long time. and I'm pumped for sure.
also, young life camp is may 31-june 6. I'm going to have to start raising support soon, but I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to work through that week, especially in my girls. gosh. this is going to be a good semester.
5 more minutes and it's officially the WEEKEND!!!
da BEARS.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
two roads to walk down and one road to choose.
they say that to love is to be fully human.
I don't know if I love you,
which makes me question my humanity.
They say it's a feeling,
like knowing that you want to paint purple into the waterfall,
orange into summer trees,
red into the darkest night sky
without knowing why they belong there.
When I paint, I do so by feeling.
moving my brushes over the indentations that are so important to watercolour paper,
a place to hold the over-zealous painter's mistakes
the expert's genius,
the child's smudges.
sometimes I close my eyes and run my hands over your face,
feeling the braille of your nose
and the heat of your cheeks
and wondering whether you know
how badly my heart wants to leap out of my mouth.
I could fill books with the things I wish I could tell you
but instead, swallow hard, and never do.
I need perspective.
With my feet perched high above me in the concrete tube,
the world makes more sense
and the birds always have something to say to each other.
The flowers whisper back and forth in some sort of purple language
(a colour I'd've painted yellow, if God wanted my opinion).
And I come to realize, purple or yellow, orange or green,
the trees are still beautiful
and there's a beauty in not having the words.
I don't know if I love you,
which makes me question my humanity.
They say it's a feeling,
like knowing that you want to paint purple into the waterfall,
orange into summer trees,
red into the darkest night sky
without knowing why they belong there.
When I paint, I do so by feeling.
moving my brushes over the indentations that are so important to watercolour paper,
a place to hold the over-zealous painter's mistakes
the expert's genius,
the child's smudges.
sometimes I close my eyes and run my hands over your face,
feeling the braille of your nose
and the heat of your cheeks
and wondering whether you know
how badly my heart wants to leap out of my mouth.
I could fill books with the things I wish I could tell you
but instead, swallow hard, and never do.
I need perspective.
With my feet perched high above me in the concrete tube,
the world makes more sense
and the birds always have something to say to each other.
The flowers whisper back and forth in some sort of purple language
(a colour I'd've painted yellow, if God wanted my opinion).
And I come to realize, purple or yellow, orange or green,
the trees are still beautiful
and there's a beauty in not having the words.
I want to break every clock; the hands of time could never move again.
Josh's roommate Philip proposed to his girlfriend yesterday. Wow. It was already a yesterday. And it's something I've been thinking about. As I was saying today to Laur, it's funny how that both freaks me out and makes me happy. Like, optimistic-happy. Obviously I'm happy for Phil and Erin, because they're great, but it's also something to think about.
Being engaged doesn't freak me out nearly as much as it would've a year ago.
That's just something I've been taking note of. I don't really know what it means, but I was thinking today about what Paul says in 1 Cor 13:13 -- And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I think that each of these things, faith, hope, and love, are integral parts of each other. Love is fully hope and fully faith, in each other, in yourself, in the fact that the relationship will work, in the role of God in helping you hold yourselves together through whatever life throws at you. I don't really understand love, I don't think, but that's because I don't understand God's love for me.
I'm not sure if I'll ever get love. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to see at what point I feel for Josh some semblance of what God feels for me. I like Josh more now than I did six months ago, or two months ago, or two weeks ago. But what does that mean? Anything? I don't know.
I know that I think that love is something you don't end, something that lasts forever. Love is, in itself, a commitment. So it's not something you toss around. But how do you know?
I guess I shouldn't worry about it. But I'm curious. I know we've only been dating for a year. But I guess I wonder. How long will it take to just 'know'? Do you ever just know?
Being engaged doesn't freak me out nearly as much as it would've a year ago.
That's just something I've been taking note of. I don't really know what it means, but I was thinking today about what Paul says in 1 Cor 13:13 -- And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I think that each of these things, faith, hope, and love, are integral parts of each other. Love is fully hope and fully faith, in each other, in yourself, in the fact that the relationship will work, in the role of God in helping you hold yourselves together through whatever life throws at you. I don't really understand love, I don't think, but that's because I don't understand God's love for me.
I'm not sure if I'll ever get love. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to see at what point I feel for Josh some semblance of what God feels for me. I like Josh more now than I did six months ago, or two months ago, or two weeks ago. But what does that mean? Anything? I don't know.
I know that I think that love is something you don't end, something that lasts forever. Love is, in itself, a commitment. So it's not something you toss around. But how do you know?
I guess I shouldn't worry about it. But I'm curious. I know we've only been dating for a year. But I guess I wonder. How long will it take to just 'know'? Do you ever just know?
Thursday, January 1, 2009
I doubt it'll ever get easier.
it's always hard when he leaves, that first day. I buried my face in a pillow and smelled him, the way his neck smells in the morning when I wake him up by coming downstairs and getting under the covers with him, burying my face in his back and his neck. that's what the blue pillow smells like, and that's why I have such a hard time, that first day.
today is better. I'm being incredibly productive, and that's definately a help.
today is better. I'm being incredibly productive, and that's definately a help.
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