tonight was interesting.

michael and I talked for a while after church about what I had been musing around while I was there, and I feel a lot better about the young life situation now. I think I easily get caught up in the idea that because I serve a god of excellence, I want to represent him excellently in everything that I do. And I fall short every time, and it's frustrating at times. but the thing that josh keeps reminding me of, and I really like, is that God uses our shortcomings to bring his kingdom to earth. That it's through using our weaknesses and the things we suck at that he's able to do something worthwhile.

I know that it isn't up to me to transform peoples' lives, but I don't want to ruin that process for someone else and for the spirit to take over, you know? And so I obsess about q/b study running smoothly, and wanting young life to run better, that I worry, you know? And I worry about things that are pointless. Because the thing I realized tonight is that God knows that even my excellence, which I feel is very lacking anyway, will never be close to his. So why do I try to be perfect? I'm not. And I think that in imperfection, there's a whole lot of beauty. So whether that's stumbling over my words when I talk to a high school kid or not knowing what to say to noor except to give him a hug or to wish that it was more appropriate to hug the guys at the Ponce Clinic, at least I'm trying, you know?

I'm really thankful that sometimes God lets me be encouraged by the way that others see me. Even if it's just Josh and Jim. Because that means so much to me. And it's funny how differently other people see you, that when you feel like you're being the worst version of yourself, other people see the beauty in it.

And I told michael I was thinking about learning to play guitar and he was like "Good! finally!"

So that's decided. Except they want someone to play keys too. Dang. I can't do that. But he had all the same ideas as me and definately feels similarly bleeugh about needing to put in some major face time at school. So. that's great, and we can go together, and I'm really encouraged.

I think when I get frustrated like I did friday night, it's because I'm not taking a deep breath and saying a prayer about it. I thought about that with Buddy tonight. I need to be better at that.

Hope.

once again, another step back.

this is a frequent one for us, it seems, but josh and I are taking another step back. that's physically, not, like relationship-level-wise.

which is a good thing, I think. I certainly left feeling really good about it. and it's not that I don't love being with him, and every minute of it, but I guess I feel like somethings are just a little too much, at least just yet. and I think that's okay. I mean, it's weird, but I feel like there's a chance I might be giving all of myself to him, eventually, and in way more ways than the physical, and so that makes it easier to kind of step back and assess the situation. like, I might want to do everything/anything/something that isn't really okay, but I can wait, really. especially if not waiting means risking ending this.

because the thing is, an accidental escalation of something leading to something leading to us going WAY further than we meant to is really the only thing I can think of that would end our relationship. and I don't want to risk that. I'm not willing to even tiptoe through the area.

I adore this boy. really really. and I can't risk losing him. I said that to him, tonight, when we talked about all this stuff, and he looked through me and half smiled and said yeah.

and I don't understand how it doesn't frustrate him when I do this. I wait for the cassidy moment, where he yells and tells me that's ridiculous and what am I expecting of him. and it never comes.

and I'm so thankful. I don't think he really understands what it means to me that he doesn't freak out, or yell, or look away sullenly and muster up the ability to speak and not yell.

-shakes head- god marvels me with how he blesses us.

"a freestyle to make sense of nonsense."

beautiful.

---
Sometimes it's hard knowing someone so well
liking someone so much
that you don't know what
to say
 
Should I say anything?
or is the churning in my
stomach enough of an indicator
that no matter what
I say
 
I can't fix the feelings
inside her
 
what a wreck
 
i guess the best we can do
is hope for change
for courage or wisdom
 
the things we don't have enough of,
the things we want
more than anything else,
these are often the very things
we have in
each other
 
what a beautiful disaster
--11/09/08

everything's right.

My fish has a dirty bowl.
It's needed cleaning for a while,
but I don't relish taking him out to do so;
watching him wriggle between cupped palms
unsure or unwilling
refusing to let me take care of him.

Sometimes, like Betty, I convince myself
the world doesn't have my best interests at heart.
I can't be perfect, so I can't be better
(that follows, right?)
and I fight the hands that hold me.

Denial is violent, like a seizure,
lashing out, thrashing to get out
hoping to be let go, let alone
(even if it means swallowing your tongue).
You can't argue with a seizing person.

He cleans the bowl with the time honored Clorox blend of
blood and smiles, sacrifice and hugs,
faith and hope
(they both have those, though).

And I'm left wondering, as always,
why would I have ever told myself
happiness wasn't in the cards?
-11/06/08

true love

In jewish cemeteries, there are piles
of dirt, freshly dug out
and the hole, waiting for filling
(but out of love, not duty).

In christian homes, we
cry, believe in a future, wait expectantly.
The jews expect less, and so, love longer
(or with more passion at the end,
which they inherited from their forefather's
passionate wrestle with God).

The rabbi tells me they do what God did first,
although I think shiva was added because humans grieve more
(uncertainty lends itself to tears).
But what God did for Moses, we do for
brother, father, sister, mother
mixing sweat with tears, determination with peace.

We fill in the holes of our hearts
knowing deuteronomy set precedent for how to move on.
-10/20/08

"You're Doin' Great" Mix.

Josh gave me a "You're Doin' Great" Mix today. And I had kind of a weird start to the week, with some young life stuff that didn't quite go as I planned, and a physics test that I expected to do better on, and stuff like that, and it makes me really happy. Because there's a whole heap of incredible stuff on it.

This song is beautiful. And I didn't realize that it has to do with Jesus, but it definately does. Mostly I kept getting stuck on the image of "please don't fight these hands that are holding you." And I realize that that's something I definately have a tendency to do, which makes no sense. Why would I fight to get out of the grasp of my creator? I know I do it with Josh, too. I think that might be poem material.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go