dear jack,

dear jack,

you don't deserve me, and that frustrates me. especially since you're a generally nice guy. a nice guy with a lot of flaws but who I want to date. even though it's not for the best. because you'd probably pressure me to do stuff, and you swear a lot, and you're really obcessed with soccer and not much else and...

...these are all really superficial reasons. well, not the first one.

I need to stop building people up. it's inherent, I try not to, but I do anyway. because I really do want to believe that you might walk up the library stairs right now, apologize for not wanting to come pick me up, and lift me out of this chair, put your hands on my cheeks and tell me that you don't know what you were thinking, because even if it's only for a while, you don't want to share me. and then kissing me, even in front of this crazy asian kid sitting twenty feet away from me.

but that won't happen. and even imagining it and writing it out makes me feel pathetic. because you aren't coming here. you're probably already asleep.

I need to stop thinking about you.

and I feel like I don't, that much. but I let you a little bit too far into my heart. I mean, you barely made it in, but you broke the surface a little. and I don't know why that is. it's very unlike me. but it's the truth.

I'm an idiot.

it makes me sad that I still care.

and that I'm checking my phone to figure out why you hasn't texted me back in nearly 40 minutes. guess you gave up on the conversation.

bah.

rylee says you need to "get your shit together," and that you do want to date me, you just don't have "your shit figured out." maybe she's right. or maybe she's doing what Cher does in Clueless to that other girl that Britany Murphy plays. The sad, pathetic girl that goes, "if I'm too good for him, then way ain't I WITH him?". That's me.

You've never seen this side of me. That's for the best. I can hang on to that.

But I still hope a little bit that you'll come walking up the library stairs.

love em