once again, another step back.

this is a frequent one for us, it seems, but josh and I are taking another step back. that's physically, not, like relationship-level-wise.

which is a good thing, I think. I certainly left feeling really good about it. and it's not that I don't love being with him, and every minute of it, but I guess I feel like somethings are just a little too much, at least just yet. and I think that's okay. I mean, it's weird, but I feel like there's a chance I might be giving all of myself to him, eventually, and in way more ways than the physical, and so that makes it easier to kind of step back and assess the situation. like, I might want to do everything/anything/something that isn't really okay, but I can wait, really. especially if not waiting means risking ending this.

because the thing is, an accidental escalation of something leading to something leading to us going WAY further than we meant to is really the only thing I can think of that would end our relationship. and I don't want to risk that. I'm not willing to even tiptoe through the area.

I adore this boy. really really. and I can't risk losing him. I said that to him, tonight, when we talked about all this stuff, and he looked through me and half smiled and said yeah.

and I don't understand how it doesn't frustrate him when I do this. I wait for the cassidy moment, where he yells and tells me that's ridiculous and what am I expecting of him. and it never comes.

and I'm so thankful. I don't think he really understands what it means to me that he doesn't freak out, or yell, or look away sullenly and muster up the ability to speak and not yell.

-shakes head- god marvels me with how he blesses us.