tonight was interesting.

michael and I talked for a while after church about what I had been musing around while I was there, and I feel a lot better about the young life situation now. I think I easily get caught up in the idea that because I serve a god of excellence, I want to represent him excellently in everything that I do. And I fall short every time, and it's frustrating at times. but the thing that josh keeps reminding me of, and I really like, is that God uses our shortcomings to bring his kingdom to earth. That it's through using our weaknesses and the things we suck at that he's able to do something worthwhile.

I know that it isn't up to me to transform peoples' lives, but I don't want to ruin that process for someone else and for the spirit to take over, you know? And so I obsess about q/b study running smoothly, and wanting young life to run better, that I worry, you know? And I worry about things that are pointless. Because the thing I realized tonight is that God knows that even my excellence, which I feel is very lacking anyway, will never be close to his. So why do I try to be perfect? I'm not. And I think that in imperfection, there's a whole lot of beauty. So whether that's stumbling over my words when I talk to a high school kid or not knowing what to say to noor except to give him a hug or to wish that it was more appropriate to hug the guys at the Ponce Clinic, at least I'm trying, you know?

I'm really thankful that sometimes God lets me be encouraged by the way that others see me. Even if it's just Josh and Jim. Because that means so much to me. And it's funny how differently other people see you, that when you feel like you're being the worst version of yourself, other people see the beauty in it.

And I told michael I was thinking about learning to play guitar and he was like "Good! finally!"

So that's decided. Except they want someone to play keys too. Dang. I can't do that. But he had all the same ideas as me and definately feels similarly bleeugh about needing to put in some major face time at school. So. that's great, and we can go together, and I'm really encouraged.

I think when I get frustrated like I did friday night, it's because I'm not taking a deep breath and saying a prayer about it. I thought about that with Buddy tonight. I need to be better at that.

Hope.